Maybe He Didn’t Love Me, But I Loved Myself And That Was Enough

As we sat on his bed side-by-side, like we had so many times before, I felt myself shattering on the inside. I let him in—all the way in, and as much as I was disappointed in him for hurting me, I was even more disappointed in myself for letting him do it again.

He swung his gaze to meet mine, and I stared into the hazel eyes that had once made my heart race. Now they just made it ache. “I love you,” he finally said.

His words fell over me like a hailstorm laced with glass. “You don’t love me,” I snapped. My voice was thick and unrecognizable even to my own ears. “Don’t you dare say you did.”

He ran his fingers through his hair roughly and clenched down on his dark brown locks. “I messed up, okay? People mess up. What do you want from me?”

I sucked my bottom lip in between my teeth and bit down until the taste of copper invaded my mouth. “What do I want from you?” I asked. “I wanted you to be someone I could trust. I wanted you to stay faithful to me. I wanted you to want me.” The last few words came out strangled, and tears clogged my throat.

“I do want you,” he whispered. 

Something inside me snapped at his words and pulled me out of the trance I had been in for far too long. I shot up off of the bed and turned to stand directly in front of him as I glared down at him.

“You don’t want me,” I screamed as my hands balled up into fists. “You wanted what I could do for you, and what I could give to you, or maybe you even just wanted my body, like you wanted that other girl. Or maybe…maybe you just wanted to be wanted. But don’t you ever tell me that you wanted me, because you didn’t, and you know what? I deserve to be wanted. I deserve someone who wants me–someone who wants me so much they wouldn’t even dream of doing what you did. I deserve someone who genuinely loves me, not someone who just says he does.”

He started to speak, but I threw my hand up in the air silencing him.

“I’m done,” I said in an even tone.

I’d said the words so many times, but this time it was different because this time it wasn’t meant out of anger, or frustration. It was just said out of pure honesty and exhaustion, and the look on his face told me he knew that. His pink lips stayed open, but no words came out. There was nothing left to be said.

For a minute, we both just stood there, and a million memories rushed through my mind all at once, until finally the last thought I would ever have about him came crashing down on me. He was poison, and he always had been. I let him in, and I loved him, but I didn’t anymore. It was the end of us, and that was even more terrifying than the beginning of us had been.

I turned away from him, knowing I would never see him again. I walked out the door and shut it gently behind me. I stood there for a moment, with my back pushed up against the door. It was over, and that was terrifying, but it was also liberating.

I was finally walking away, and it was the best decision I had ever made because maybe he didn’t love me, but I sure as hell loved myself. And I was all I needed.

16 Comments Add yours

  1. farrukh says:

    Such a touching piece. Reading it u get the sorrow and also the why did she step into it – but its only when u go through something similar that u also start to get the notes of helplessness, the innocence, the trueness of a soul such as the narrator. Good job putting this together

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Scattered Scripturient says:

      Thank you so much. Truly appreciate the kind words ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Michael says:

    He sounds like a right dick…nice piece nonetheless.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Scattered Scripturient says:

      Haha he was! Thank you so much!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Really heart touching post,and I can feel every emotion and every word of this post. Hats off to you 💙

    Like

    1. Scattered Scripturient says:

      Thank you so much ❤️❤️

      Like

  4. Alysha Marie says:

    It is truly amazing how we allow ourselves to stay in terrible circumstances, but we never realize how unhealthy and abnormal it was until we have removed herself from the situation. It takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage to walk away. Even more than that I can’t imagine what it’s like to put it down on paper. After surviving something similar and being able to come out the other side and work on healing I have empathy and admiration for those who are doing the same.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Scattered Scripturient says:

      Thank you so much. It was a long time ago. But I agree. I didn’t even know what I was experiencing was an abusive relationship until I was out of it. I’m sending you lots of love and strength during this tough time! Half the battle is walking away. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Keith says:

    Very profound. I was thinking of the antithesis of this when Forrest Gump is pushed away by Jenny one last time and says, “I am not a smart man, but I know what love is.”

    Like

    1. Scattered Scripturient says:

      Thank you so much for reading! I absolutely love that quote.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Keith says:

        Thanks. I started to comment on the controlling behavior which leads to DV, but I thought I would take it a different direction. Women who find themselves in relationships and get those early signals like you note above need to run to the nearest exit. DV is all about control and that is how it starts. He will not change – run.

        Like

      2. Scattered Scripturient says:

        Yes, it’s so important to know that it starts small,and if you ignore those small red flags then it gets out of control before you can stop it. I think raising awareness about the beginning signs is so important.

        Like

      3. Keith says:

        Agreed. In this agency I volunteer with that helps working homeless families, about 1/3 of our mothers are domestic violence victims. They lost their home and were beaten. Our social workers use a concept called “trauma informed care,” that attempts to understand and help manage all the traumas.

        Like

  6. Being in a DV situation is serious….it is all about control with the abuser & DV is a constant cycle: Tension building, abusive incident, and honeymoon phase….no matter what you as a victim may try to prevent occurrences or better the situation it will not work…..realizing that you are a victim & that it isn’t your fault is one of the first steps to breaking free…..it is not as easy as some say/think it is to leave an abusive person…..it is actually a very scary situation and no two people stories are the same….it takes strength, love, and support to come out of such a violent relationship or environment….it is very important to pay attention to the signs & red flags….it is important to share the knowledge and facts about DV….O yeah next month October is National Domestic Violence month

    Like

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