I was broken, and I had been for awhile.
I sat there on the couch in sweat pants, my body unwashed and my hair unbrushed. I felt hopeless and terrified. I didn’t know what was wrong. I just knew the way I felt made life feel unbearable, like if I had to spend another second in this moment, feeling this way, I would break in to a million pieces and nothing would ever be able to put me back together, and then for only a moment, I wondered if maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
You looked over at me, and my heart ached. I felt sorry for you. I was ruined, and you had to live with someone who tricked you, because when we first met, I was happy. I wasn’t the person I was now. The person who had slowly turned in to someone you didn’t know and definitely never asked for.
I wasn’t fun anymore, I gained weight, and I never left the apartment. I was broken, and in that moment, I wondered how much better your life would be without me in it.
You continued to watch me carefully, and I wanted to know what you were thinking, but I didn’t ask, and you made me wait. Nervously, I looked down at my hands as they sat in my lap. I always went days without taking a shower or brushing my hair, but there was always one thing I did every morning, and that was putting on the engagement ring you had offered me over a year ago, back when I was still the woman you fell in love with.
I felt your body move closer to mine, and your hand fell over my own as you stroked the ring on my finger. I raised my gaze up to meet yours and the tenderness in your hazel eyes made my heart race, and then you asked, “Do you want to get married this weekend?”
My own eyes widened, and you grinned. You knew you had caught me off guard and I couldn’t believe that after five years together, you were still capable of surprising me.
I’d been at the lowest point of my life, and you wanted to marry me. “Yes,” I blurted, as tears streamed down my cheeks. I jumped off the couch and started pacing back in forth as I named off everything we would have to do in the next two days to make this happen. And you made sure everything we needed to do, happened.
On Saturday, we said I do, and in your vows you promised to love me, and every version of me you had yet to meet, and that’s when I understood I didn’t always need to be the girl you had originally fell in love with five years ago. I just needed to be me, and I needed to try and be as happy as I could be, and my first step in being happy, was marrying you, because even at my absolute worst, you believed I was worth having in your life.
And that meant everything to me.